I am always floundering along the thin line of being incredibly self-aware and overthinking. I can see myself as though I’m watching from above, and understand that perhaps my outburst is actually due to a trigger from X, Y, or Z. Yes, look at me, realizing my nasty little triggers, knowing my true boundaries, coming to realizations (sometimes giving myself a good dousing of the Cold, Hard Truth) about what makes me do what. What makes me tick. But then a few moments later I’ve realized I’ve zoned out and somehow come to a conclusion like, maybe I’m actually not generous, maybe I’m super selfish because it makes me feel good to be generous and I care about my appearance but I genuinely do like being generous in this way but maybe I’m truly–
Yeah. That. I annoy myself.
I’ll find a balance, yeah? There has to be a balance between being self-aware and making sure you don’t trot off the cliff into Overthinking Land.
However. This current Sunday Self-Analysis has made me realize there is something I need to work on internally. I need to work on lowering my inner wall.
Growing up, I was probably too open with people. I would walk around with my heart on a platter, ready to be whatever anybody needed, and freely give my full love and support to the point of emotional exhaustion, regardless of the relationship. Friends, family, boyfriends. That, of course, eventually led me to crash and burn, and realize that some people cannot be trusted with the details of your life and heart.
Fast forward two years, and while there has definitely been vast improvement on that front, I think I might have built too tight of a fortress. For someone who used to be a little too willing to share her feelings, somewhere along the way my tongue became tripped up and now spazzes out anytime someone really looks at me and asks me how I feel. I don’t want them to see my light, see me; and yet, because I’m human, I know that thought must actually be far from the truth. We all want to be seen.
So–a new mission, I suppose, on my self-love and self-care journey. I have successfully learned how to protect myself. I have learned how to be more private, to be cautious, and to keep things close to the chest. But I need to learn how to tap into my old self just a bit. Because my old self was the courageous one who had no problem lowering that wall, because she knew she was strong enough to withstand whatever storm brewed in the distance without any fortress shielding her.